


Retail Edition

by Charname



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Dating, Humor, Humour, M/M, Not sponsored by anyone, dating simulator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 13:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charname/pseuds/Charname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are John Watson, the protagonist of a BBC Sherlock dating simulator.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Retail Edition

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [[翻译] 零售版](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029671) by [fisafisa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fisafisa/pseuds/fisafisa)



> This was originally written and posted [over here on the Sherlock Kink Meme](http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/18842.html?thread=111580570#t111580570). I think my personal opinions on certain marketing tactics used by the gaming industry come through rather strongly here. Hopefully you'll find my impotent rage amusing.

You are John Watson. You are taking your best friend and now lover out on a date and wish to impress him and give him a good time. Where will you take him? Choose from the options below, but choose wisely. 

A) Fancy Restaurant 

B) Bart's Morgue 

C) Crime Scene 

D) A Planetarium 

E) Anderson's Flat 

_Select: C) Crime scene_

What type of crime has been committed?

A) Murder

B) Theft

C) Arson

D) Piracy

_Select: A) Murder_

Unfortunately, no murders have been recently committed. 

A) Rectify this.

B) Alright then. (Return to date selection options)

C) Are you sure? What about a suicide that looks like a murder?

D) What the hell do you mean ‘rectify this’?!?

_Select: D) What the hell do you mean ‘rectify this’?_

For a nominal fee, we’re offering a Special Turn-Up Edition **Secretly Moriarty All Along** DLC. Would you like to unleash you inner criminal mastermind and kill someone just to capture Sherlock’s attention?

A) God, Yes!

B) No.

_Select: B) No._

Are you sure? Sim coders gotta get paid, Watson. Would you like to purchase the DLC?

A) Yes, I care enough about my best friend and now lover to spend a nominal fee to impress him.

B) Yes, I would hate for the coders and their families to die from exposure when they couldn’t afford their rent because no one would buy their DLC.

C) Yes, as a man who is more than gifted in both intelligence and good looks, I see the opportunities that only this DLC can offer me.

D) No. I have learned nothing from my many battles with chip-and-pin machines. If I tried to pay for DLC I’d probably just end up setting myself on fire. (Return to date selection options)

_Select: D) I’m not responsible enough to control my own finances anyway. (Return to date selection options)_

You are John Watson. You are taking your best friend and now lover out on a date and wish to impress him and give him a good time. Where will you take him? Choose from the options below, but choose wisely. 

A) Fancy Restaurant 

B) Bart's Morgue 

C) Crime Scene 

D) A Planetarium 

E) Anderson's Flat 

_Select: E) Anderson’s Flat_

Are you sure?

A) No.

B) Yes.

_Select: B) Yes._

Fine. You take Sherlock to Anderson’s Flat. He is not aroused.

A) Start singing Barry White.

B) Seduce him by committing arson.

C) Explain how having sex on Anderson’s bed would be the Funniest Thing Ever.

D) Say hello to Mrs. Anderson.

E) Steal something.

_Select: E) Steal something._

You’re sure you don’t want that DLC?

A) Yeah, okay, I’ll take it.

B) I said no, damn it!

_Select B) I’m going to keep being a prick._

Whatever. You steal something. I hope you feel good about yourself. It’s not as though Anderson’s ever done anything to you. But I’m sure petty theft is the key to your flatmate’s heart. Congrats.

A) Call the authorities and turn yourself and Sherlock in as thieves.

B) Hide your ill-gotten gains.

C) Show Sherlock what you stole.

_Select C) Show Sherlock what you stole._

You proudly display the evidence of your inability to follow simple societal rules.

Sherlock is intrigued. He examines the object closely.

A) Explain how an overheard conversation led you to believe that Anderson was supplementing his income by performing smuggling services for an international drug cartel. Reveal your suspicion that the figurine you have stolen is filled with enough of an illicit substance to guarantee anyone caught with it would serve a very long prison sentence.

B) Consider his history and reconsider the wisdom of handing your flatmate a figurine filled with drugs.

C) Realise that you’ve made a series of hideous mistakes. Sheepishly reclaim the figurine and return it. Embrace the inevitability of dying alone.

_Select: A) You think you know what you’re doing._

Sherlock looks at you as though he thinks you are an idiot. He is not aroused. With a quick movement he twists the bottom of the figurine, opening a detachable compartment. Small blue diamonds spill out, “Pfizer” engraved on the side of each. 

A) Identify the drug.

B) Laugh nervously and awkwardly.

C) Note that Anderson might want to keep these even more secret than any more strictly classified drugs.

D) Grab a pill and consume it.

_Select: A) Identify the drug._

You manage to say “Sildenafil” before Sherlock cuts you off.

“Yes, I know what Viagra looks like.”

A) Wink at him roguishly. 

B) Admit you’re a bit horrified that Anderson thinks he has reason to need so many. 

C) Accept the situation and admit defeat. Realise that you’re standing in front of your best friend and now lover on what was supposed to be a date, that he is holding a handful of Viagra, and that even so, there is no way you’re getting off tonight. Sob at the injustice of life.

D) Craft a convincing tale crediting the unexpected contents of the figurine to one of Moriarty’s plots.

_Select: B) Admit you’re a bit horrified that Anderson thinks he has reason to need so many._

Sherlock stares at you for a moment. His expression turns to shock as his hand closes around the pills.

“Oh,” he exclaims, “Obviously!”

Then he runs off without you.

A) Accept your failure. Abandon the concept of a date and attempt to walk home in shame. Remember that you live together. Realise that you can never go home again. Flee to Bermuda.

B) Find a pub. Drink until shame is meaningless.

C) Follow him.

_Select: C) Follow him._

You follow him back to Anderson’s Flat. There is a woman sitting on the floor with her back to the wall. She is curled into a ball, sobbing into her knees.

A) Join her.

B) Turn around. Walk away. Wash your hands of this entire business.

C) Steal something else.

D) Reach down to comfort her.

E) Call Lestrade.

_Select: E) Call Lestrade._

You use your mobile to phone Lestrade.

A) Flirt.

B) Tell him that you and Sherlock have broken into Anderson’s Flat and found a ridiculous amount of Viagra.

C) Tell him that Sherlock has solved a mystery no one even knew existed. Tell him to come to Anderson’s Flat.

D) Tell him you’ve broken into Anderson’s Flat and Sherlock has made Mrs. Anderson cry.

_Select C) Tell him that Sherlock has solved a mystery no one even knew existed. Tell him to come to Anderson’s Flat._

You get as far as “Sherlock has solved a mystery” before Sherlock jumps in with “and prevented a murder.”

“Sherlock has solved a mystery and prevented a murder,” you restart, “at Anderson’s Flat.”

You inform Lestrade that the sobs in the background are Mrs. Anderson’s and that he should come to collect her and the evidence.

While waiting for the police to arrive you...

A) Ask what the hell just happened.

B) Go in for a grope.

C) Comfort Mrs. Anderson.

D) Taunt Mrs. Anderson.

E) Steal something else. They have nice silverware.

_Select: A) Ask what the hell just happened._

“It was obvious,” Sherlock assures you, “I would have seen it easily if I’d been looking.”

A) Cut off Sherlock’s explanation. Tell him you can contain your lust no longer.

B) Listen to him in wonderment.

C) Pretend to listen to Sherlock while distracting yourself with fantasies.

D) Listen patiently.

_Select: B) Listen in wonderment._

You listen raptly as Sherlock explains how Mrs. Anderson discovered Anderson’s affair. He reports the signs and recounts how Mrs. Anderson planned the method of murder as an ironic poisoning, an overdose of the drug ground into Anderson’s food. He describes how she acquired so much of the drug, and how that must have led to the conversation you overheard. He describes how tonight’s events brought everything to light in his mind, and how his confrontation with Mrs. Anderson led to her confession.

A) Praise his genius verbally.

B) Praise his genius by telling him you can no longer contain your lust. Jump him.

C) Remind him that it’s Anderson’s life he just saved.

D) Propose marriage.

E) Explain in detail how impressed you are and exactly how you intend to express that when you get back to your flat.

_Select: A) Praise his genius verbally._

Pleased colour rises in Sherlock’s cheeks. He is not so aroused that he forgets the presence of Mrs. Anderson. The police arrive and Sherlock feeds them an abridged explanation. You leave together as soon as you can. He walks close enough that your sleeves brush.

A) Pull him into an alley before you return to your flat.

B) Attempt to initiate sexual congress upon return to your flat.

C) Kiss him with tongue upon return to your flat.

D) Kiss him chastely upon return to your flat.

E) Initiate a discussion about heliocentricism as you return to your flat.

_Select: C) Kiss him with tongue upon return to your flat._

He responds well, twisting his tongue and pressing his body close to yours.

A) Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care.

B) Put your hands on your pants and shake ‘em like they’re full of ants.

C) Put your hands in his pants and perform a mating dance.

D) Propose you move this to the bedroom.

E) Tell him this is moving too fast. You need more time before you can go any further.

_Select: D) Propose you move this to the bedroom._

He accepts your proposal.

Would you like to download the **Cheesy ’80s porn music** Sponsored by **Viagra** free add-on? 

A) Yes.

B) No.

_Select: B) No._

Are you sure? It comes highly recommended.

A) Give it to me baby!

B) No means no!

_Select: B) No means no!_

Fine. Whatever. This is a dating sim, not a porn game. It’s fade to black anyway. The fade is much cooler with the music, but you’ve made your decision. Enjoy.

**Congratulations. You have attained a GOOD END. I’m sure your mother would be proud of you.**

 

If you’ve enjoyed this title, you may further enjoy:

Mormor Collector’s Edition: More, more, more matchmaking grandmothers than one sniper can handle!

Umbrella Massacre: Ninjas have abducted a civil servant. Can you save the ninjas?

and

Mortuary Molly: R18. Must have identity indicating birth date to purchase. Extreme gore, violence, sexuality, and disturbing themes.


End file.
